Just Fine

For most of my life I always thought I was intrinsically motivated. I didn't really get an allowance as a kid, we certainly didn't get paid for grades, I didn't initially pick a career that would pay the most, I play games because they are fun, not to win, and I like puzzles because it feels good to figure them out. I hate performance reviews, I just want to do my job well because it feels right. I certainly didn't mind praise for doing things well (maybe I did a little, it is sort of embarrassing) but I never did the things I did for praise or fear of punishment. I'm very much a behind the scenes logistics kind of person. I cook because it is the one house chore I genuinely enjoy doing, I build furniture from IKEA for the same reason (I know, I'm a sadist). Hell I worked full time, tried to be a good mother, a passable wife, support Hunter in his love of improv, and his consulting business, while going to school part time for years...I thought I had to have some intrinsic motivation to push though that because holy shit that was a challenge and no one gave me any damn gold stars for that. In fact, your partner starts to resent you for being exhausted, stressed, and useless, and your kids really get tired of hearing you have homework after working a 10+ hour work event on the weekend that you don't have time to play, and your friends sort of mostly disappear because you don't have time for them either (thank a deity for the ones that stuck around).

For the longest time I thought it applied to my workouts as well. I worked out because I wanted to be better, I wanted to be thinner, I wanted to be stronger. I wanted to reach my best potential. I did all the things because I thought I wanted them. I've noticed though that it is very very difficult for me to take correction or advice in my fitness journey. It isn't because I'm cocky and think I'm doing it all right, in fact I spend 99.99% of the time there assuming I look foolish and I'm one rep away from pulling a thing because I have my right knee angled 1 degree to the left too far. It's just so painful to hear it out loud, out of my head space where I'm the only one who knows how close I am failure. If I'm doing all of this to be better and to actualize my goals for myself, shouldn't I want the harshest critics to fix everything I'm doing wrong? I've gone from thinking I do all of this to be my best self to only seeking to be praised for how far I've come. The truth is I so vary rarely get any of it right. My elbows are out to far, my hip is rotated wrong, my stride is too short, I don't lift to failure, my stuff is in the way, I don't rest long enough, I build my workouts wrong...the list of stuff to remember can feel exhausting especially because I hear it so loud in my head and I'm a hobby fitness participant, no professional training here (and lort does it show). If you do something for intrinsic motivation shouldn't you enjoy it instead of focusing on every little thing you do wrong all the time instead of hoping to hear a good job?

In my personal life I thought I was intrinsically motivated to finish school but in reality I wanted to make more money so my family would be proud of me, I wanted to provided a better life for my children, and to feel independent, like I didn't need to rely on anyone to take care of me. I thought I was being a good supportive partner, but I didn't pull my weight and my dislike of improv (sorry world, its just not my cup of tea) meant that I wasn't as supportive as my partner needed and I wasn't doing my best to lift and praise and they felt criticized not appreciated for their uniqueness. The past two years have been an ugly journey into self discovery y'all and I don't know that I like who I see in the mirror. I'm not sure who I am or what I am anymore. I don't have a moral to today's story other than to evaluate why you do the things in your life. If you don't find joy in them maybe you are doing them for the wrong reasons. I'm not saying give them up, because sometimes you can't. I am saying you should try to do things that feel good or find things about them that feel good. Because you can't always get recognition, not everyone see the same value in your effort.

I start this blog to share food and workout stuff. Hunter thought it was a good idea because people said it gave them a little inspiration and it felt really good to know that I helped someone, I made a difference for them. It felt empowering and rewarding to hear someone say that it made them want to try. I don't get paid to do this, although if I could I don't think I'd complain. I'm going to put it out in the universe that I feel rotten for doing things for the wrong reasons, but I'm going to try to do them for the right ones from now on. I'm going to do it to meet my goals and be the best person I can be, not because I hope that others want to try or to get any recognition for the effort.

I recently watched Cheer on Netflix and really felt a quote by the coach Monica Aldama

Keep going until you get it right. And then, you keep going until you can't get it wrong.

If you don't know Just Fine by Mary J Blige go look up the lyrics or better yet, listen to it. While I spent most of the day with the self doubt and disappointed voices raging in my head this song really speaks to me

No time for moping around, are you kidding? And no time for negative vibes, 'cause I'm winning It's been a long week, I put in my hardest Gonna live my life, feels so good to get it right