Running on Empty

I try to be very honest, real, and candid in this space. Especially about parenting, self-image, and mental health but I don't air my dirty laundry. Mainly because in reality, it isn't just mine, it's Hunter's, The Native's, The Ancestor's, Natives of other caves. I've been absent and distracted. I've had things going on, just like the rest of the world, it's just made it really difficult to want to write. No union is perfect, no childhood is without its difficulties, no job is so amazing you want to be there all the time. I'm not sure I am in the right space to write, but its been well over a week since a post and that just seems rude. I mentioned a few posts ago that I've started small group training. Its been helpful and sobering. I realize that somethings I might be better at than I believed and other things its just time to cut my losses and move on. I am definitely stronger than I've ever been in my life and it feels good to lift the same or better than others and know that I've come so far. I had the realization today that I'm not a runner. Like not at all. As in I should never do it in public again. I was running a slow 8 minute mile on the treadmill to warm-up. I never felt that I had the cardiovascular endurance to increase speed or introduce inclines for a regular run. Trainer had me running off the mill some and was politely trying to to tell me how horrible my form was. I was able to sort of joke and laugh about it when it was just the two of us because we have the running gag where he comments on how awkward and uncoordinated I appear and I secretly laugh at the irony because he's just an awkward guy even if coordinated. This is infinitely more hilarious to me because my brother was (is, dude, you still run?) an amazing cross country runner. I'd blame it on his long ass legs but in reality it was awesome to watch him and I know how much time he spent conditioning for his craft. The realization comes from the fact that in this small group others have started to see my very strange run. And comment on it. I'm sure its well meaning, everyone seems incredibly fun, kind, and hardworking but my ego cannot take it. Everyone in the group is closer to the in shape scale than the out of shape scale so I respect their opinion quite a bit. So I have a choice, I either keep running and be damned the laughs OR I find a cardio I can do that doesn't highlight all of my insecurities. My inclination is to cut the running but I need something that is as efficient or better at burning calories. I also need to cut the calories and sugar. I don't ever fast anymore, I eat dessert all the time, I haven't been limiting my portion sizes, I've been eating like a bear getting ready to hibernate for winter, and drinking like a fish. Its starting to show and the scale has confirmed it on more than one occasion. More than anything I need to cut the insecurities. I'm terrified the natives are picking up on my body image issues and self doubting mantras. Those boys are incredible and it breaks my heart they might internalize my negative self speak behaviors.

What do you do when you are so bad at something you just can't see any way to make it better? What do you do when you don't know if you have the energy to try? What do you do when your running on empty? (Hope you are all singing Jackson Brown right now).