The Shape of You

So this past week I received the same comment about my physical appearance from two different people. One person was a gym regular that I don't know who stopped me to make this comment. The other person is an acquaintance (friend of a friend) that I've met a few times at a pool gathering.

"You have such an interesting shape"

Now I think they both meant it as a compliment...but honestly I'm not totally sure. One of my largest concerns as I've gone down the rabbit hole of fitness nut, is that I will bulk up too much and won't look feminine enough. I've been told on multiple occasions by many people, that it probably isn't in the genetic cards for that to happen and I shouldn't worry. It is difficult though because I look at female cross fit athletes and I think that their abs, obliques, back, arms etc look amazing. Individual parts vs looking at the whole. When I look at the whole, I think I don't want to be that big as far as muscle structure goes. I know it doesn't make sense but I rarely do according to just about any man I've dated or married.

So back to this comment and while it sat uncomfortable with me. Who's to say what feminine is, does it mean I need to look fragile? Am I overthinking it? (probably the answer is definitely probably on that one). Why do I care if someone thinks I look to masculine? I mean, I do very much so care, but I don't really know why. I've never been one to need external cues of acceptance. I generally just try to avoid external cues of dislike, disgust, and disappointment but I don't need someone to say "hey, you're doing alright over there". That's not to say I don't want approval or acknowledgement just that I don't seek it out or need it (in truth, when I do hear it, it is terribly hard to accept) but I really just try to avoid people who don't accept or approve of me. So when both people who have never met used the same word interesting it made me think...is that code for weird or strange or not attractive? Have I gone so far into into toning and my attempt to sculpt my physical shape that I'm gross?

I don't know that I have an answer, or that I'll get one. Hunter is smart enough to say I look fine and that I don't need to worry. In the same mental breath I thought about how I want to get my core a bit more toned, how I need to cut back on beer and wine, and how I shouldn't buy cookies and dessert at all, but then I also worried I might look too muscular. I see fat that no one else does, I poke at muscles that I feel aren't progressing no matter how much I work on them, and I have some serious boob envy (if I win the lottery, you can best believe I'll be getting those done). I don't like my physical shape, I never have, and I probably never will. I do however, really love the progress I've made over the past two years. I survived a global pandemic in better shape than I went into it, and I push myself every single day to do better and be better. I work on my body, and I try to learn something new to work on my intelligence. I may be a rotten human, but I know I'm flawed and I want to be better. I guess that means I'll have to settle for looking interesting whatever that means these days.